Sugar Kane
by jeffthemermaid
Summary: Set during season 7, pretty canon, except obviously its like a new subplot/episode. The gangs all here. Lana stormed out on Archer, but where is she now?
1. Chapter 1

"Why are you making this difficult?" Lana asked, her voice rising in pitch. "Just tell me where you've been, while I've been home with our child."

"I don't know Lana, who am I? Samuel Taylor Coleridge?" Archer demanded, holding his glass of vodka, and stared at her incredulously.

Lana glared at him; her eyes narrowed.

"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, Lana?" Archer paused and took a swig from his glass. "Because you're literally, no wait, figuratively, like an albatross hanging around my neck!"

"Excuse me?!" Lana said and stepped towards her likely soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. "If you could just keep your dick hole inside your pants for more than five minutes, I wouldn't have to be asking you what and/or who you've being doing all night!"

"That's like potentially nine feet of wingspan, just hanging around my neck Lana. Imagine how much that weighs. The strain on my delicate neck bones. How would you, how would you even measure that?" Archer continued to ramble on, entirely ignoring his girlfriend's contribution to the conversation. He took another sip of vodka and laughed in amazement.

"I mean, how do you think they'd measure the strain Lana?"

Lana remained silent, her hands slowly balling into fists at her side as she contemplated the least messy yet most painful way to murder him.

"Measure Lana? Lana? Lana? Lana? LANA? …. LANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"WHAT ARCHER?"

"What, what're we talking about?" Archer replied nonchalantly, clearly oblivious to the thunderous expression on Lana's face.

"Where the goddamn shit have you been all night?" Lana demanded, her voice in that fever pitch that anyone else would recognize as the last straw before she pulled out her TEC-9's and started wreaking havoc.

"Getting shitty on spareribs and Green Russians at the bar with Pam." Archer stated, speaking slowly as though he had already told her this information several times.

"Jesus, why didn't you just tell me that before?" Lana asked incredulously, her anger immediately replaced with irritation. "If you had, we wouldn't have been arguing for the last ten minutes."

Archer looked genuinely surprised. "We've been arguing?"

"Ugh!" Lana turned and marched away from him. "Obtuse fucking moron." She muttered as she went into their kitchen and started cleaning some pots and pans in the sink.

"Obtuse Lana would be you, refusing to believe that I could be out having a good time, and not cheating on you." Archer continued their conversation after finishing his drink and following her into their kitchen.

"Oh, and I wonder why I worry so much about you doing that?" Lana retorted.

"Cyril?" Archer suggested with a raised eyebrow.

Silence stretched between them as Lana turned to face Archer, her face so stony, is was nigh unreadable.

"As in, Cyril Figgis, the guy who cheated on you with someone who I believe has been described as the Pelé of anal, um Carol, on a blimp no less, oh and possibly even mother?" Sterling had the decency to look somewhat sick at the thought of the last option. "Oh god, too far, that's disgusting, Cyril, and mother, can you imagi-"

"No Archer, I cannot! What I can imagine is me leaving your dumb ass because I'm tired of playing all of these stupid little games." Lana interrupted Archers rambling loudly. "I'm over it."

Archer cocked his head. "Lana, I think you might be in the danger zone."

_*Three Days Later*_

"Yeah, and then she just left. Haven't seen her since." Sterling spoke to the group of co-workers that surrounded him casually.

"Well no shit." Pam replied quickly. "You're the one who cheated on Lana so much she became a giant, big-handed mess of paranoia, trust issues, and really good tits."

"Oooh, not unlike the Trojan horse used by Troy to trick their enemy into accepting an army into their strong hold."

Everyone paused to look at Krieger, waiting for the inevitably distasteful follow up.

"You know, because Lana looks like a big brown gift on the outside, but inside she is compiled of a complex army of meaningless insecurities and an unrealistic amount of expectation versus belief around trust, specifically, around trusting Archer." Krieger finished explaining, looking somewhat non-plussed when no-one outright agreed with him.

"Oh, I haven't seen a Trojan." Carol interjected from her position behind her desk, where up until she'd been well occupied sniffing glue. "And I guess that's because Cyril wouldn't fit them if he tried, and Mr Archer just doesn't use any condoms, am I right?"

"That's right Carol." Archer confirmed with one of his irritatingly charming grins, before turning serious and getting back to the conversation at hand.

"Anyway, where even is Cyril?" Archer continued, only just noticing the lack of his sworn enemy/only sort of friend (well, besides Pam), and his annoying face.

"Probably out getting his shoes shined before he starts chasing after Lana again." Ray volunteered, only just adding some of his signature sass and practicality to the conversation because he'd finally run out of messages to respond to on Grindr.

"Shut up Ray." Archer snapped, throwing his fellow agent a glare. "Cyril has no chance with Lana."

"I don't know, when he makes an effort he cleans up mighty purty." Ray teased, a southern twang coming out in his voice as he enjoyed riling Archer up further.

"Who cleans up, as you put it, mighty purty?" Mallory Archer asked as she entered the room.

"Um, no one." Ray responded, blushing as she mocked his natural accent.

Mallory smiled in a way that didn't reach her eyes. "Good, saves me from making an incredibly homophobic remark."

"What's really important right now is Lana finally saw some sense and left Mr Archer." Pam informed Mallory excitedly. "And now he's all boohooey because if Lana can't love him, who else will?"

"Can it Poovey!" Sterling shouted, inwardly hurt, but outwardly dismissive.

"Sterling, is this true?" Mallory asked, feigning both surprise and concern. "Lana left you?"

"No, she's just been away for a bit." Archer protested angrily. "And since when did me telling you all about my weekend, become the type of lynching mob that killed one of histories greatest leaders, Julius goddamn Cesar."

"Oh, Sterling now, now. I'm sure nobodies turning this into a lynch mob." Mallory consoled her adult son and took a sip from the glass that she almost always had in hand. "And besides, if Lana hasn't left you, then this isn't even a this at all is it?"

"Whatever, I'm going to go do some really dangerous P.I. work, and if I don't make it home, tell AJ I love her." Sterling stormed out of the building with a dramatic flourish, completely ignoring the fact that their agency currently had no new clients and zero ongoing cases.

"Sugarpuss." Ray muttered as the front door swung shut behind Archer.

"What, had some more zingers to lay on him? Coz I sure did." Pam spoke up despite the sour look Mallory gave her.

"No, I actually haven't heard from Lana for a couple days now that I think about it." Ray admitted, a little guilt clouding his finely chiselled features.

The others shrugged. Krieger, Carol and Pam hadn't either, but it would be more unusual if they had then if they hadn't to be completely honest. Unless Lana needed a sitter, none of her co-workers besides Ray were high on her speed dial.

"Ms Archer?" Pam ventured, her keen sense for drama picking up on their bosses sudden silence.

"Yes Pam, dear?" Mallory attempted sweetness, but only succeeded in barely hidden sarcasm.

"I don't suppose you've heard from Lana?"

"Nope. Haven't a clue where she is." Mallory pressed her lips together and crossed arms tightly across her chest.

"Reeeeeaaaaaaaaally?" Pam made her disbelief clear.

"Goddamnit woman, if you know where she and AJ are, tell us." Ray interjected, Ms Archers defensive position essentially assuring him she had a hand in this mess somewhere.

"I already told you, I don't know anything! And even if I did, I wouldn't tell any of you people." Mallory straightened her shoulders and cast a level glare around at them all. "Now why don't you focus on getting some work done around here?"

"Oh my god like what, it's not like we have any clients." Carol piped up; her complaint accompanied by a heavy sigh. "This town is even more boring than the parties my grandfather used to throw on Halloween where he would dress as a ghost and offer all of the coloured maids tricks or treats."

"Wow." Pam was the only who generally even still bothered to reply to Cheryl's horrifying stories from her families uncomfortably recent history.

"Okay, well I'm going to try and find Lana." Ray decided aloud. "Any of ya'll coming along for the ride?"

"Yes! We can take my new and improved L.A. style van!" Krieger could barely contain his excitement.

"Holy shit snacks, it's a real adventure now." Pam hollered as she pulled on her coat and a baseball cap.

"All aboard the S.S. Date Rape." Mallory muttered under her breath and hastily exited the room.

Cheryl laughed manically and jumped up from her chair. "Toot, toot."


	2. Chapter 2

Alone in her office, Malory Archer sipped a bourbon on the rocks pensively. The entire Figgis Agency was silent and dark. It was almost 3am and nobody else was there.

Ms Gillette had taken off with most of the idiots in tow on some attempted rescue of Lana.

"Wild goose chase." Malory muttered under her breath.

In front of her was the telephone. It was the only thing on the whole desk, and she couldn't take her steely grey eyes off it.

Normally she wouldn't be caught dead waiting for the phone to ring, that was Carol or Cheryl or whoever's job. But this was different. This phone call was far to important to entrust to that airhead.

Several more minutes passed in strained silence.

Malory finished her drink.

Another ten minutes passed by, frustratingly slowly.

"For god's sake ring goddamn you!" Malory shouted suddenly. She threw her empty glass across the room and watched it smash into tiny pieces on her exotic rug. She stared furiously at the telephone, willing it to ring.

The phone rang.

The older woman jumped violently, surprised by the shrill ring breaking the quiet. She cleared her throat so her voice would be crisp and forced herself to wait until the third ring to answer. Finally she took the phone of its cradle and held it to her ear, careful not to scratch the heavy diamond hanging from her lobe.

"Hello, this is Malory Archer."


	3. Chapter 3

"Okay, I've tracked Lana's movements via the trace chip I inserted into her diaper bag." Krieger announced, more than a little proud of himself. "She and her small baby person arrived in San Francisco 40 minutes ago."

"When did you insert a tracker in her diaper bag?" Ray asked from where he was sitting squished between Pam and Cyril in the back seat. "And why?"

"Why seems fairly obvious, and when, the same time I put them in all of your belongi-" Krieger stopped himself short of finishing that sentence. "Uh, never mind."

"Just make sure you're focusing on the road as well as tracking okay Krieger." Cyril chimed in. He'd been in Krieger's van enough to know he needed reminding to pay attention to the road.

"I would never put Vanesphere III in danger." Krieger scoffed, and patted the dashboard affectionately.

"Anata ga kanojo wo aishi te iru riyuu wo watashi ni tsutae te kure masu ka?" Mitsuko (Krieger's holographic girlfriend) asked unhappily.

"Maybe because she doesn't constantly question me!" Krieger retorted waspishly.

Mitsuko sighed and turned to look out the window, a pout souring her sweet face.

"Why does the fairy get a seat and we're on the floor?" Cheryl whispered none to quietly to Pam, her eyes narrowed conspiratorially.

"Oh come on, Ray's a person just like us." Pam said loudly, rolling her eyes at her.

Mitsuko cast a glare at the women on the floor and picked up a pornographic magazine from the floor. She busied herself with the glamorous pictures spread across the pages.

"ANYWAY," Ray began, frustrated by the groups lack of focus on the issue at hand. "It's gonna be a few hours before we get to the Golden City herself, and we NEED A PLAN."

"Okay, okay, don't get your panties in a bunch." Pam responded, her mouth full of the sandwich she'd just bitten into.

"Hey, yeah. What is the plan?" Cyril asked. He was the most behind on this mission, he had literally been at home mid-wank when Ray, Pam and Cheryl had shown up on his doorstep hollering about going to rescue Lana. He'd hastily buttoned his pants, grabbed his wallet, and bundled himself into Krieger's van alongside the majority of his co-workers. "And where's Archer, and Ms Archer."

"Ms Archer has her pointy nose stuck into this situation or I'll eat a dick." Pam mumbled, halfway into her second sandwich.

"And Mr Archer stormed off to do work a case." Carol chimed in, her voice portraying her boredom.

"But we don't have any cases." Cyril said, his eyebrows knitting together to show his confusion.

Right then they heard an engine revving on the highway behind them and a car shot past them, dangerously close.

"Dukes." Ray exclaimed, grabbing onto his seat to stay upright as Krieger swerved to avoid hitting Archer in the sleek new car he was driving.

"Woooooooo! Road trip!" The group heard faintly from outside the van and watched as Archer hung outside his window and waved back at them.

"Race you to the Soggy City!" Archer screamed across the wind before ducking back inside his car and speeding off ahead of them.

"That's the Foggy City!" Cyril corrected loudly, despite the fact that there was literally no way for Archer to hear him.

"He knows." Everyone else said in unison.


End file.
